Sunday, September 22, 2013

Have you taken your pill today?

I often get asked this question by my mom whenever she thinks I'm being snippy, weird, distant or hyper. Yesterday she accused me of having a "lost" look in my eyes and seemingly not being all "there." Well, unless "there" is on Mars, I can assure you I was present. I've been very tired lately and my new job is an hour's drive from home so I'm quite tired when I get home. I then have to walk both dogs before getting to remove my makeup and sitting down so understandably that takes a toll, right? Apparently not, according to my mom. She thinks I've been neglecting my meds. The thing I hate the most is when she asks me that dreaded question. I frankly find it offensive because she'll throw it at me  if I'm having a bad day as well. And she doesn't understand when I say I think it's offensive. If a boyfriend ever asked me that he wouldn't be my boyfriend for long, I'll tell you that...

I've also been on this diet for a few weeks now and been pretty good but this weekend I just had this massive craving. Think I'm getting my period soon. Not that my sweet tooth minded one bit. I had Mickey D's and my order got screwed up so I ended up with two large milkshakes. Oops. What a shame... Then I had a toffee coffee shake today along with a blueberry muffin and some candy and a coke - not at the same time!
Was contemplating a diet coke but they're even worse than the regular one's and why make things worse, right? Glad you agree ;) 
But Monday's back to dieting again. I just needed a break this weekend. Think my body was telling me something; Probably that a milkshake beats a diet shake anyday. 

- P <3

Thank YOU

I just want to say thank you to all of you who actually bother to read my blog - whether it's on a regular basis or you just happened to find my blog on accident. It actually means a lot that someone cares to read about my thoughts and feelings, especially as it's such a cathartic thing for me personally. Not to mention something I mostly keep to myself. 

Seeing that stats number rise gives me immense joy and an odd feeling of purpose. I hope I'm not being too boring/monotone/insert lame word here and that my experience of living with bipolar disorder might be educational to someone new to this world. Don't be afraid to ask any questions if you have any. I'm an open book :)

-P <3 

Friday, September 20, 2013

A bad start to something... great?

So I finally, after months and months of searching, got a job! It's only a temporary contract but it's a great role with a fantastic company and my colleagues seem lovely so far. I'm so grateful for this opportunity. I pray I don't screw it up and remember how hellish life's been these past few months whenever work is rough. My bipolar has really been acting up and I've been really low. Like, low low... 

I say it was a horrible start because I was having major issues with the recruitment company that represented me for the role. They wanted me to get three references to them in the space of a day (!) and with my crap track record of absences (and a firing) I knew I was going to have a hard time with it although I did manage it somehow. I told one of the recruiters specifically not to phone one of my former employers which he of course did and then the proverbial shit hit the fan. I don't know what they said but I'm almost 100% sure confidentiality went out the window because the recruitment agency that are representing me, and whom I am making money FOR, are treating me like shit and like I'm diseased and tainted.. 
Little do they know the reason I got fired was because I had the balls to stand up to my line manager when I felt she discriminated against me regarding my bipolar leading to - you guessed it absences. All they heard was insubordination. Anyway, guess this means I'm only going to have to work twice as hard to prove myself. I can do that. I'm a tough chick. 

Today, however, I woosah'ed the stress and shit away from yesterday and started fresh and had an awesome day. I'm even carpooling with my boss all of next week. How cool is that? That's right. I've got an in with the boss and it's only day 1 ;) 

- P <3

Monday, September 09, 2013

To be or not to be..... Happy.

I'll be honest, I feel like a complete failure. I'm currently unemployed (work as a temp but that's on a on-a-need basis so doesn't count), I live at home, I've achieved little with my Bachelors degree and I'm eternally single (of course I am, I'm not exactly a catch am I?) - not to mention I've started a diet. That's right, I've joined a wellness class. According to the Tanita readings that were done I have the body of a 40 - year- old. Gee, thanks. I've done well for myself.

 Now, according to the coach, most of this is due to dehydration and then there's the bit of unnecessary pounds that I'm sure don't help either.  Well, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired (not to mention sad and just plain unhappy with myself - bipolar illness excluded) so I decided to turn a new leaf. I said goodbye to the mean former flame with whom I had just re-started a romance (looking back I just wanted some answers I think, some what if's answered) but he turned out mean this time. He wasn't last time. I'm not a masochist, don't worry, although looking at my dating history it might certainly seem like it. Anyway, got rid of him after basically being called the Anti-Christ and I feel much better for it. I didn't want him to aggravate my bipolar in any way because just thinking about him hurt. I also haven't been too stable lately so I knew it was bound for a downwards spiral - and fast. It also helps to have wonderful friends who also think he's the biggest asshat on the planet.. 

Back to point, changing my lifestyle is what I think needs to finally happen to get some sort of balance in my life. I know I'll fail a few times. I'm bound too but that's okay as long as I don't give up. Luckily I have a coach this time which I've never had before. That will help with my motivation. I've also applied for over a 100 jobs (I kid you not) so there's bound to be one in there for me, right? Just nod your head and agree with me. Would make me feel better ;) As for the housing situation, I'm lucky to live at home and pay limited rent and eat for free. See? I'm thinking positive :) And the single life? Meh, I've access to an unlimited supply of chocolate should the need arise. I think I'll be fine.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment. I'd love to hear from you!

- P <3